Arab/American cultural challenges; what to expect.

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I get a number of emails from American women asking advice about their Arab men. Each situation is unique and all very interesting. Some of the men are Arab but born and raised in America. Some of the women who write are working in Kuwait and dating a Kuwaiti. Some are living in their home country but having an online relationship with an Arab man living in his. I wish I had all the answers and could guide everyone off into a land of never ending bliss. But since that’s not reality I’ve decided to compile a list in hopes of answering some questions.

So what are some of the biggest cultural differences you should expect to encounter?

Casual relationships: This is the one where you, the American woman, think you’re dating this really nice Arab guy and it feels like it’s getting serious.

1. He says all the right things but his actions aren’t matching. This comes from not wanting to ‘bother’ a woman with things that might upset her… like the truth.

2. He still lives with his mom and dad and he’s almost 30. Perfectly normal, don’t stress. He’s not a loser.

3. Spends every night away from his home, doesn’t answer his phone, and finally calls at 6am claiming he was at dewaniya all night. Chances are he was. Get used to it, you’re always going to be less important than dewaniya.

4. Having intimate relations with you then either disappearing for a few days… or forever. This happens often and for a lot of reasons. Women in the Arab culture are highly respected and taught to respect themselves. Being intimate with a man before marriage is almost unheard of. So a woman who doesn’t abide by this rule is often seen a a woman who has no respect for herself by an Arab man’s standards. She’s certainly not marriage material. Keep your panties on, women!

5. Expressing dislike for certain outfits or style of clothing you’re wearing. He believes you should only look good for him, at home, behind closed doors.

6. Silent treatment. Not for a few hours or overnight but for days… weeks even. And during this time you’re expected to call him (though he’s not going to answer) and send endless text messages. If you don’t then he’s going to accuse you of talking to other men during this time.

7. Everything is always your fault. Don’t ask me how, but Arab men are masters at turning things around. Regardless of what he does and how bad it really is, you’re eventually going to find yourself doing the apologizing.

8. Your phone, computer, Ipad, etc. are his business. His are not your business. He will ask (or do it without asking) to look through your phone at any given moment. You’ll never have a sufficient warning. He, on the other hand, will more than likely have more mobile phones than you’re even aware of. And don’t ask to look through the one you DO know about… it’s ‘disrespectful’ and you’ll be accused of behaving like a man.

9. Checking in. My husband is guilty of this one, but also returns the favor. If you’re leaving the house without him you’ll be expected to notify him verbally, by text, or a phone call. You’ll need to tell him where you’re going, with whom, and approximately how long you expect to be gone. If he’s not comfortable with your answers he’ll simply drive you himself.

10. Bros before ho’s. Know it, accept it, and live with it. Regardless of how much fun you think the two of you are having together, he’ll choose spending time with his friends at the drop of a hat.

 

Serious relationship. This is the one where he’s mentioned marriage, or at least hinted at it. 1-9 above still apply and perhaps seem even more frequent.

1. Family member introduction. Don’t get excited, chances are you’re not off to meet mom anytime soon. You’re more than likely going to meet male cousins and maybe a brother or two.

2. Intimacy pressure. He’s going to do anything in his power to convince you that sharing a bed is perfectly natural since you’re going to be sharing your life together in the near future. Be patient. Wait for the ‘near future’. Refer to #4 above.

3. Living together. Since you’re ‘officially engaged’ according to him (you’re not, rest assured) then living together is OK. It’s not. Remember, you’re not in the typical American relationship where people meet, date, live together, share a bed, then decide if they want to get married. No no no.

4. He studied in America, he acts like an American. Yeah, he may have thrown those dishdashas in the closet and traded them in for a pair of jeans, but in no way has his mind changed. Certain Western behaviors trigger certain Eastern thoughts. Don’t agree? Throw on a bikini and tell him you want to spend the day at the beach.

5. You’re engaged! Eh, probably not. You might have a beautiful ring on your finger and a date marked on the calendar, but if you haven’t met mom and the sisters, chances are you’re being strung along. Arab engagements differ from country to country so I won’t go into great detail about the exact procedures. But rest assured, there ARE procedures. Not legal or required by law. But cultural. And if they’re not followed then in HIS mind he’s not engaged. Not to you at least.

Of course the bullet points above are from either personal experience or simply witnessing those around me for many years. I’m sure there are some out there with far more experience than me who could add numerous items to my lists.

The things above may make the Arab male seem unreasonable and make some wonder why a woman would even consider marrying one. But that’s not the case. There are reasons behind much of what they do. Not sure we’ll ever really understand their reasons, but with a lot of trust and mutual respect, the reasons don’t seem to matter.

On a positive note, when an Arab man does get married it’s almost as if he matures overnight. Yeah, he’s still protective but he’s also truly dedicated and loyal. His wife then becomes one of the women in his family. A very high honor since the women in his family are most important in his life. If a wife calls his husband and he’s in dewaniya he WILL take her call (probably step outside to do so). Unlike if a girlfriend calls. If the wife explains she really needs him to come home, or needs something from the store, he WILL leave dewaniya right then to keep her comfortable. This behavior is what keeps most of us wives from asking for very much. We know we’ll get it. And knowing a person will do pretty much anything in the world to make you happy prevents us from wanting to bother them with silly things.

Finally, all men from all cultures are completely different. So, please don’t read this and get offended. Don’t write to me telling me that I’m bashing Arab men or the culture. That’s not the case. And please, if you have more to add, feel free to email or comment. I would love to hear different perspectives.

Intercultural: Arab men, American women.

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Intercultural marriages always come with challenges. Some as small as watching my husband eat things with his hands that I wouldn’t feed to our cats (eyeballs, brains, etc) while I’m slicing up my boneless, skinless chicken breasts with a knife and fork. But like I said… that’s a small one.

What about the more significant differences? How do we overcome those? I believe learning and understanding is the key.

I get numerous emails from American women wanting to know where and how to meet an Arab man. Some specifically want to meet a Saudi man, or an Emirati man, yet few have even been to the region for a vacation.  As Americans we’re often arrogant enough to believe the rest of the world is either just like us, or they certainly want to be. Neither of which are true.

My husband is a bedouin Arab (some assume this means uneducated, narrow minded, abusive, and arrogant. My husband is none of those things. He’s worldly and educated. Intelligent and tolerant. Kind and compassionate). And me… well, I’m a fairly typical American woman who was raised in the South. I’m an only child, quite spoiled, and have always lived within ‘average’ Western standards.

Though my husband and I have quite a bit in common (travel, television, food sans eyeballs, hobbies, etc), we are different on many levels. Yet we compromise, sometimes without even knowing it. But this compromise only comes from understanding our differences and where they come from.

So my suggestion to women wanting to meet/marry an Arab man? Have a real understanding for the culture. Know which Arab culture they even come from… they differ from area to area, country to country. Live among locals for a while and ask questions. Find out if the man you eventually meet has any understanding of America beyond television and movies. Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right for you.

In my next post I’ll cover some of the cultural differences/challenges you should expect to face as an American woman involved with an Arab man.

Americans seek dues per Kuwait Labor Law — UPDATE

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Below is a comment left on a previous post about Americans in Kuwait who have successfully sued their employer. Mr. Barnes seems to have extensive information which could be very helpful to many of you who find yourself working for an employer that isn’t following the Kuwait Labor Law. His email address is at the bottom of the post and I have requested Mr. Al Enezi’s phone number so hopefully I’ll have that available soon as well.

“I work closely with Dr. Al Enezi’s law firm and he is working a number of these cases against Primes who, with the blessing of Camp Arifjan Contracting Officers and Lawyers have allowed the False Claims Act violations to go unaddressed in the form of debarments and suspension of companies who are violating the United States Government Prime contract DFAR regulation 252.7002 LOCAL LABOR LAWS apply.

What applies to Rock Island and Camp Arifjan are RICCO Racketeering laws against conspiracies, fraud, and theft of workers on such a scale as been happening to Americans, British, Australian, and other Western Expats, let alone the Third-Country nationals.

When you have the Department of Justice not investigating racketeering, fraud, the violation of the Competition in Contracting Act, and now Labor violations that date back 8 years – we have ourselves a racketeering that involves the DoD IG and FBI. Who is going to investigate and report to our Congress members the ongoing violations of the Terms and Conditions of the Prime contracts not enforced by Contracting Officers who were given an SF1402 and only have an 8th grade education. I would fully expect that the Lawyers who I believe have a much higher education degree than any Army Contracting officer would realize the difference between defending criminals and upholding the Federal Acquisition Regulations and Kuwait Labor Laws. They apparently have blurred the lines between defense and law. The Kuwait Labor Law applies to all VISA 18 in the passport holders. Visa 14 cannot work – PERIOD and Camp Arifjan has 100 plus violations of that statute alone at any one time.

Call Dr. Al Enezi or write me and I we will discuss your prime contract and its terms about Local Labor Law. All those who had their local labor rights in Kuwait violated should see a Qui Tam lawyer and bring the appropriate lawsuits against these Prime Contractors and file a claim against the Army and the individual contracting officer until finally – there just are no Contracting Officers who violate the Kuwait Labor Laws. Haul them into Kuwait courts. They leave the base, so they can be served papers to appear. ONLY then and investigation into the racketeering of Camp Arifjan and why it appears year after year in the Department of Justice’s report to Congress dating back to 2005 and MAJ JOHN COCKERHAM, MAJ PRESSLEY, and the other Camp Arifjan criminal elements who have joined the long list of 28 kickback artists.http://www.usmilitarycontracting.org will be a portal to capture this other criminal activity of Camp Arifjan.

Good Luck with your cases and don’t forget to take the win to an American attorney to recover damages in the United States system.”

keven.barnes@latvianconnectionllc.com

Omar Borkan Al Gala — Too handsome for Saudi Arabia?

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A couple of weeks ago three men were deported back to the UAE  from Saudi Arabia while attending a festival for being ‘too handsome‘. Imagine that, kicked out of a public event for being too attractive. Nothing to be ashamed of if you ask me.

Not too long ago I wrote a post asking if Western women are more attracted to Arab men. Most replied mentioning the obvious; their eyes, nose, skin tones, etc. The physical appearance of an Arab man can’t be denied… they’re gorgeous. Of course there’s a lot more to them than just being eye candy. Most are protective, attentive, generous, caring, and have a way of making the woman in their life feel like a queen. There are exceptions to every rule.

Since one of the deportees has been identified and his photos have made international news, seems others are noticing the appeal of the Arab man. Though some did question whether or not he’s bald underneath that ‘thing’ on his head (ghutra/shemagh), if he’s wearing eyeliner, and if he painted his facial hair on with a Sharpie. Fair questions I suppose… for those not familiar with the culture. There were also assumptions men from his culture require their wives to wear a burqa to bed (if American men knew what goes on under those burqas (abayas) they too might be booking the next flight to the Middle East).

Omar Borkan’s Facebook page shows numerous photos of him, with and without the ghutra or shemagh. He’s not bald and actually has a full head of gorgeous hair. The ‘thing’ on his head is part of the cultural attire.

He’s not wearing eyeliner but does have kohl in his eyes in a couple of the circulated photos… not the ones above. It’s very common among Middle Eastern men and women, especially in the UAE. It’s a fine powder applied with a wooden stick and requires some skill. Once put into the eyes it gives a cooling sensation and sight instantly becomes clear. I get mine from Morocco and really wish the FDA would approve it so it could be sold here in the US.  The long, luscious, thick eyelashes? Totally natural. One of those gifts they’re born with. Along with the lips and that skin. I go through extensive cleansing regimens, to include regular microdermabrasion, in hopes of getting that baby soft, clear complexion. My husband has it naturally.

And no, the facial hair isn’t painted on with a Sharpie, but is shaved close, threaded to perfection, and dyed black. Any hair out of place is removed to give the facial hair a crisp look of perfection. If you men ever take a trip to the Middle East, you must spend a few hours at the salon for men. You’ll have a new appreciation for pampering yourself. No, men, manicures, pedicures, threading and waxing aren’t just for women. Personal hygiene goes far beyond a shower and some deodorant.

I wonder if Omar’s accomplices are going to be identified? And now that his photos are being circulated worldwide, are people starting to understand and appreciate why Western women find them physically appealing? We don’t care that once we’re married we get chained to a kitchen sink, we still get to look at that all day! It’s a joke, relax.

*Photos are from Omar Borkan Al Gala’s Facebook page.

And then there were 10

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Several weeks ago, while the weather was still cold and wintry, I posted about the geese who seemed to appear without notice and take up residency in our pond.

At that time I wondered if they would come back but soon discovered it was probably us who moved into their territory and not the other way around. I now suspect they’ve been here for quite some time.

Over the past couple of months I’ve tried throwing bread in hopes they would get closer to me and we could establish a little trust… or perhaps even a bond? But to no avail. They had absolutely zero interest in me once they were certain I wasn’t a threat. We even noticed  after the herd was long since gone, two still remained. We had decided (hoped) it was a male and female preparing to start their little family and had chosen our home as the place to procreate. We felt honored.

Yesterday morning my husband and I noticed the geese, who only exit the pond via flight, were walking through our backyard but still close to the water. We ventured out with our trusty bread hoping to make progress. With every step we took, they took three towards the pond. It was clear we weren’t all going to be hanging out on land together. But the closer we got we realized they weren’t alone! They had 8 little baby geese waddling along behind them. We backed up a bit, not wanting them to worry we were there to harm their babies. We watched from a distance as they all swam out into the water, babies following so obedient behind their parents. Of course it was one of those moments I didn’t have my camera on me, and running back into the house could have startled them. I’m confident I’ll have more opportunities.

Later that afternoon, as the clouds covered the bright sun and a cool breeze set in, I suddenly felt ‘in the moment’. A sense of wanting to be right here, right now set in. A rare feeling for me. I’m always striving for something new tomorrow or missing something from yesterday. It’s been a long time since I genuinely appreciated the here and now.

Over a year ago I remember telling my husband, “Once we get through the stress of starting another business, leaving our jobs (at the time), and fully relocating to America, we will finally have peace”. Well, we’ve been in America exactly 3 months… and we have peace… and baby geese!

Update: Just went out to check on the babies and it appears as though there are only 2 little survivors. Unless the others are hidden away. I’ll continue a daily stalking routine in hopes of finding the rest.

Americans looking for overseas jobs with local companies — Kuwait

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I’ve received a lot of emails from Americans asking how to get a job with local companies in Kuwait, UAE, Qatar, Bahrain, etc. Most of these people are currently working on a US contract but their contracts are ending and they’re interested in staying in the country… with a job.

They all ask if there’s a Staffing Agency that provides information about jobs in the local sector for Americans or even helps them to find positions and there is. I’ll be doing a full blog post about the company in just a few days so keep checking back for an updated post.

“Why do American women cheat?”

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Last night while checking emails I read one from a Kuwaiti man who stated he had been (or still was) dating an American woman but suspected she was cheating on him. His concerns stemmed from only one action on her part; she was having premarital sex with him. She wasn’t hiding her cell phone, sneaking off to make calls in private, disappearing for extended periods of time, or even behaving like a woman who might be unhappy in a relationship. He even expressed several times how much she seems to care for him. But it doesn’t take away the ‘if she’s having sex with me, she must be having sex with others too’ mindset.

Signs she might be cheating:

1. Sudden preoccupation with her/his appearance. Spending more time on her hair, makeup, at the salon, buying new clothes, etc. But keep in mind, there’s also the chance she’s doing this to get your attention and be more appealing for you. So don’t assume a weekly trip to the salon means she’s cheating. Relax!

2. Additional cell phones. Realizing your partner (male or female) has a mobile phone you weren’t aware of is a sure sign something is being hidden. And chances are it’s of the opposite sex.

3. More time on the internet. If you notice her (or him) sneaking off to use the internet more often than usual, especially if they’re trying to be discreet… red flag! But don’t assume and jump to conclusions, ask what they’re doing. It could be something simple such as an extra task from work or a family issue needing attention.

4. Lack of interest in your intimate relationship. If your partner is obviously trying to avoid intimacy then something serious needs to be addressed. Not necessarily something big, major, huge, and life altering. But there’s definitely an issue that needs attention.

5. Spending more time out with friends than normal. If your partner has always been a homebody who went out once a week but suddenly spends all day at the salon, 2 hours getting dressed, and every evening out of the house, alarms should be going off.

Obviously assuming all American women cheat is a blanket statement , and I’m certainly not in a position to speak on behalf of all American women. However, I can speak for myself and share the experiences of my female American friends.

As for me, I don’t cheat. When I married my husband it was completely my decision with no outside influences. It was a decision I didn’t take lightly and totally dedicated myself to. Just as I believe my husband did. My female American friends, married or just in a relationship, also don’t cheat. Not at this point in their lives anyway. We’re a bit beyond High School and University days where very little was taken seriously. I believe we’ve all come to a place where we understand the meaning ‘treat others as you would want to be treated’ and we integrate that into our every encounter with other people.

So if I had to answer the question, “Why do American women cheat?” I suppose I would have to say we cheat as often or as little as anyone else in the world does. Cheating comes from a dissatisfaction with the relationship. An unhappiness or feeling that something is missing. It’s not an excuse to cheat but definitely a reason many people do. It’s become much easier to avoid our problems and fill our voids from outside sources than face them head on and deal with them.

As for the Kuwaiti man who emailed me I would have to say having sex with you doesn’t mean she’s doing the same with other men. Did you ever think perhaps you’re special? I do understand in your culture and in Islam it’s prohibited, but you’re obviously doing the same thing she is. So why judge her for your behavior? I would also like to know if you’re cheating on her. Maybe your suspicions are prompted by some sort of guilt. But until there’s real evidence your girlfriend is cheating on you, I certainly can’t even begin to guess at a reason as to why.

Finally, as Expat points out in the comments, it’s generally the man (in Kuwait) who does the cheating. American women are away from home, often have a small social circle of friends from work, and have few comforts they’re accustomed to. When becoming involved with a local man an American woman may feel even more dependent on him than she would if she were dating a man back in America. (Surely my husband thinks I’ve lost my mind since we’ve come to the US with all my solo trips to the local Starbucks. Not having to wake him up to drive me to the grocery store. And chatting on the phone to friends far more often than I did in Kuwait.) But in Kuwait there’s that comfort in having someone familiar and local. Especially if the American girlfriend hasn’t been in Kuwait very long. And there’s also the possibility she’s not the type of girl to have sex in a relationship but felt it was a way to keep you (the Kuwaiti man) involved in her life. Of course this could just be a case of ‘crazy jealous possessive Arab man’ because you know you suffer with it too. So perhaps the only place your girlfriend is really cheating is in your mind?

Terrorism: When they’re not Arab

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The most recent act of domestic terrorism at the Boston Marathon had a lot of people asking who could do something so horrible… and whether or not they were Arabs.

As the story unfolds this morning and one suspect has been killed by police (then run over by his own brother while he was escaping) we’ve learned they’re not Arabs. These two are from Russia and it seems they’ve lived in America for well over 10 years with their parents.

While looking for suspects a Saudi Arabian citizen who was injured at the Marathon was held for questioning and even labeled a ‘suspect’ by some news outlets. The FBI had planned a press conference to discuss this Saudi who was in America on a student visa, but cancelled it at the very last minute.

Now that we know the real criminals are not the injured Saudi student but are from Russia, the focus seems to have turned to their religion by some. Fox News immediately starting planting the seed.

Why the need for racial and religious profiling? Sure there have been acts of terrorism carried out by Arabs and/or Muslims, but there have been just as many carried out by your Caucasian neighbor who loaned you his lawn mower. Columbine, Oklahoma, Aurora Movie Theater, and more recently Sandy Hook.

So why is it some ethnic backgrounds and religions are still labeled? How much of a role does media play in this xenophobia? And as long as we fear people based on the color of their skin or the religion they practice, can we ever really grow as a society? Aren’t we just building walls instead of bridges?

Blogger’s Block

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It isn’t that I don’t have things to blog about and even the photos to accompany the topics. It’s just that we’ve been so incredibly busy that I can’t seem to sit down, compose a few paragraphs, and complete a post. Therefore, I’ll throw these few sentences together for now and hopefully manage to do a proper post in the near future.

Life is fabulous; we’re really starting to enjoy the outdoors more since Spring weather finally arrived. We’ve been planting, trimming, cutting, and landscaping like crazy people who have never seen greenery. And it’s fun!

Businesses are going great. We’ve even managed to expand one of our businesses yet again! We now have merchandise available in 3 locations in Kuwait, 2 in the UAE, 1 in Saudi Arabia, and now 1 in Qatar. I’m also currently working on prospects in Bahrain and London and hoping to get good news by the end of next week. The other businesses are keeping me so busy I’m contemplating the idea of bringing more staff on board. Preferably an organized numbers person — something I’m not.

Family in US and Kuwait are doing wonderful. I suppose I’ll always live my life missing someone on one side of the world, but at least I’m adapting. I find myself constantly missing my in-laws but we do talk to them daily on Skype so that’s comforting. Definitely not the same as being in the same room and devouring my mother-in-law’s delicious cooking, but for now at least we’re able to communicate regularly.

Pets are thriving. Melicka and Sheikha have bonded and become quite close though Amira is still a bit leery of Melicka’s big feet and clumsy movements. However, Amira is perfectly capable of handling the situation with poise… and a few slaps to Melicka’s nose. They’re also enjoying the warmer weather and spend much of the day outside hunting anything that moves, including leaves, blades of grass, and birds they have no chance of catching.

Catching up with old friends. Since getting a little more organized around the house we’ve been investing a bit of time in socializing. Connecting with some of my old friends who have never had the opportunity to meet my husband, as well as meeting new people on a regular basis. I forgot how good it feels to have a real social life not segregated by society.

Road tripping! Though we haven’t taken any road trips yet we definitely have a few things planned for the near future. The nice weather makes getting out and about a lot more fun. I planned a NYC getaway before even leaving Kuwait, but the ‘longer than expected’ Winter weather forced me to delay our plans for a few weeks. Instead of going this month I’ve rescheduled for the middle of next.

We’re incredibly blessed and life really is good. I sometimes forget to take a moment and appreciate it to the fullest. It’s like I’m going through the motions and forgetting to truly experience every event. I would like to say we’re going to spend the weekend forgetting about business and simply relaxing, but I know better. Though I’ll definitely ensure we take some time out to reflect, review, and appreciate it all.

In reply to the anonymous comment

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First I want to say thank you for your comment and obvious concern. I too recently saw the same thing you did and it was a red flag for me as well. And though our opinion about the subject matter completely differs, I certainly share some of your angst.

As for the timing of events, you’re spot on. I’ve even mentioned it to my husband over the past week, so it’s definitely been on my mind as well.

Thank you again.

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